What Do You Do?

What do you do when you are afraid you don't even like your child anymore?

Last night Paul and I put the finishing touches on the room that we started with for the years-long remodel. Looked pretty great in my opinion. I was so thankful to have the work done....weeks was longer than I had anticipated to get it all accomplished.

Then this morn it took one phone call for Alia to get the idea to go draw all over the newly painted wall. I didn't discover it until I went into the room about 20 minutes later.

I am just so tired of the constant disobedience. Will there ever be a day when I can just enjoy her rather than spend the whole day disciplining?

Yeah, ok, so she's only two and only exhibiting 2 year old behavior....but honestly it felt personal. Like she knew that I had put so much of myself into fixing up this room and she wanted to hit me where it would hurt most.

So, per my husband's instructions, I sent her outside to play in the sandbox...despite the fact that it's sprinkling out. I needed some space from her. I get angry just looking at her. Right now, I just really do not like her at all.

So, does that make me feel like a bad mom? Yes. Do I think it is just PPD that makes me feel that way? No. Does that make me worried about my ability to be a good parent to a 2-3 year old? Absolutely. Do I want to be done having kids since I apparently can't handle raising them? No. What do I do to reconcile that inconsistency? No idea whatsoever. Does life right now feel just plain crappy? Yup. What do I do now? Go pry the plastic car out of Josiah's mouth and haul him with me outside to go discipline Alia for not obeying and wandering away from the sandbox when she was told to stay there. It never ends. I see no light at the end of this tunnel...no matter what other people say.