First Room

So today I began with the first room in what will be a whole house remodel. We expect this to take a number of years to complete as we hope to do most of it ourselves, but I am very excited for the the results.

Since I wrote last I have been feeling pretty even-keel. #5 on a scale of 10. Not great, not terrible.

I really enjoy all the remodel stuff: planning, brainstorming, sketching out, visualizing, getting supplies, demolition, painting, designing, decisions for changes, etc. Okay, maybe not ALL of it, but overall, remodeling makes me feel good. I am happy that we are making this space our own. I am excited for it to look and feel more like me and less like my parents circa 1976.

Now, to find the balance between enjoying all the projects and not get overwhelmed by the scale of it all. Also, not to get frustrated with the kids when they want to be held or played with and all I want to do is go paint a bathroom or spackel a wall in a bedroom.

Lesson Learned

* Sorry, I wrote this post last Saturday and have never gotten back to really "finish" it as I intended. Lesson learned...just post what you have, don't wait for later.

Friday was an okay day. We had fun with Alia at the Children's Museum and then enjoyed Festival downtown. We had just started back to the car when it began to sprinkle! I got a bunch of errands done and we stopped by Paul's co-worker's place to see the new kitchen he put in himself. Even though we got a lot accomplished it wasn't a relaxing day for me. Si cried through most of the museum (he was tired and couldn't go to sleep with all the noise). Then I did all my errands during the storm and pouring rain...not without stress for me either.

I just felt "off" all day. Like something was out of place in life. Like I just wasn't able to "be there" in the moment with my family....it was hard.

Beth Moore Poem

I got this poem on an email from my mentor today. It is written by Beth Moore and it makes me ask a lot of questions.
____________

The Life I Planned

Has someone seen the life I planned?

It seems it's been misplaced

I've looked in every corner

It's lost without a trace.

I've found one I don't recognize

Things missing that were dear

Promises I'd hoped to keep

And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Has someone seen the life I planned

Did it get thrown away?

God took my hand from searching

Then I heard Him say

"Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans I have for you

Are more than you could dream.

"you long to walk by sight

But I'm teaching eyes to see.

I know what I am doing.

'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed

To know He heard my moans

To think I'd trade in all He's done

For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness

And how He'd proved Himself

How He'd gone beyond my dreams

And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard

My eyes have never seen

Eternal plans you have for me

Are more than I could dream.

"Yes, I long to walk by sight

but You're teaching eyes to see

You know what You are doing

'Til then, I must believe."

I felt His great compassion

Mercy unrestrained

He let me mourn my losses

And showed to me my gains.

I offered Him my future

And relased to Him my past

I traded in my dreams

For a plan He said would last

I get no glimpse ahead

No certainties at all

Except the presence of the One

Who will never let me fall.

Are you also searching

For a life you planned yourself?

Have you looked in every corner?

Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans He has for you

Are more than you could dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith

But He's teaching eyes to see

He knows what He is doing

Child, step out and believe.

_______________

Am I searching for the life I want that God doesn't have in his plan for me? Do I get to be "done" with PPD inside of a year or will I struggle with it for years to come?

Do I need to let go of my dream to have more than 2 kids because it's not God's plan for me or do I continue to look forward to that dream of mine?

Step out and believe...believe what? That I will get better? That I will be "whole" again someday this side of heaven? That He has a perfect plan...sure, I believe that...it's the timeline that I am frustrated for not knowing.

--------

This poem was encouraging in numerous ways especially that it reminded me to be focusing on Christ and looking for His plan rather than for what I want to have happen.

However, it frustrated me too, is it too cliche? It seems too simple, too trite, too warm fuzzy-Christian-feel good-fluff. I mean no offense, especially to Ms. Moore. However, I find myself in a place where I need to ask some hard questions and wade through the fluff and find the hard core God answers.

This poem reminded me of what I already know and I guess I am looking for more. Something I don't know...something that shows me how to get from here to the next spot...forward.

New Path

I am going to use my blog for something new. Since Josiah's birth, I have been struggling with post-pardum depression (PPD). I have decided to "take back" my personal blog to write more about my day-to-day experiences and chronicle my current journey with PPD.

I am just a stay-at-home mom of 2 (2y, 6mos) that has PPD and is trying to learn, cope, and survive, and overcome. I plan to try to write about my daily happenings and how PPD effects me and those around me...in all reality it will probably be more like a couple times a week, but I would like it to at least be regular. Comments, questions, thoughts, ideas and suggestions are encouraged and requested. I imagine that writing about my experiences will help me work through a lot of my feelings and I hope they will also help someone else out there who may be going through something similar.

Your prayers for me are also greatly appreciated.

Updates on Kortman family life can now be found at www.kortmans.com

Spiritual Depression

I just finished listening to a message by John Piper entitled Spiritual Depression as he preaches from Psalm 42. Fantastic stuff! I listened to it twice...in a row.

Highlights I want to remember:
1.Want GOD more than getting better....want him so fiercely that if being with him means staying underwater, you will stay how you are now.

2."Words for the wind"

3.Get a psalm-song of my own to sing for when hard times come.

4.You want praise Him again...so try....now.


I am going to use Psalm 42 and also 8 for my devotions in the coming weeks.